BATEMAN HAS ISSUES #19 – 2010 OLYMPICS

“Tedious” That is the word Iwould use to describe the opening ceremonies of theVancouver Olympics. If I was to use another word it would probably also be”tedious”. That’s how tedious I found the opening ceremonies to be.  Oh sure,the lights were fancy but how long is too long when it comes to watching people wearing ski gear, gyrating from the end of a tether suspend-ed from the ceiling?  Don’t bother answering because I can’t hear you anyway.  Perhaps that’s why I like doing radio and writing so much.  Although the prairie segment of the Olympic opening was complete in terms of its monotony,I was most put off by the “Celtic” component.  Honestly,aside from the hair and makeup it was a complete trainwreck.  Upon reflection of my attendance at Robert Burnsnight last month, I have realized that I am drawn to the traditional Celtic aesthetic.  I think it was the gentle breeze blowing under my kilt or perhaps it was the immeasurable amount of “fun” I drank in that night that made me realize that Celtic tradition has been completely bastardized. It is not my style to name names but if you know me, you knowI am short on style to in almost every category of my life.

With that in mind I will blame Ashley MacIssac.  Oh I remember when it happened because I was there.  One second there was a bonnie lad belting out Danny Boy overthe barren eastern shore.  The next minute a kid with a Mowhawk blows a couple of rails, puts a strip of tartan around his waist and maliciously stomps on the heart of each and every one of the Irish Rovers with his combat boots.  Ok, I know they aren’t exactly Celtic but you have to admit it’s a funny image.  Ashley came to represent the brash and bold youth that needed desperately to extract the student loans out of the hands of every bar-jock in the bar-jock demographic.  What is even more unfortunate is that there was a line up of sub-par fiddlers sporting bad fashion marching right behind him as witnessed during the tedious opening ceremonies.  Yes I am sticking with tedious.  I sat watching my tv from a plain of consciousness somewhere between sleep and death.  I think I saw a smattering of Celtic “dancers” dressed like they had simultaneously raided the wardrobes of the twenty minute workout and theBay City Rollers.  The misaligned and misguided youth stumbling a circle around Ashley high atop his pedestal Air-fiddling with himself.  I drifted out again and saw a huge bear made entirely of lights going for Ashley’s leg.  Then ina lucid moment I thought back to Robbie Burns and Iwondered what he would have thought about all of this and which figure skater he would have hit on.

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