BATEMAN HAS ISSUES #20 – SUBWAY

BY: JOHN BATEMAN

It is a little known fact that I have been boycotting Subway since 1996.  While I agree that little known facts are little known for a reason I couldn’t help but let my dim light shine on this one.  I am all for a good boycott because they usually take very little discipline and are often for the most pathetic reasons.  I decided I couldn’t choke down another six incher after Subway ran the same commercial one billion times during the world cup of hockey.  Once Jared came on the scene it was easy.  Didn’t he have a wife for a while?  I guess a focus group annulled their marriage.  I predict that one day Jared will become a spokesman for bowel obstruction research.  As a rule, I detest commercials.  Watching young,wealthy, attractive people eat food and laugh in slow motion doesn’t make me want to head to the Keg, and seeing an actor talking behind an “old timey” movie effect pretending to know squat about sausage production makes me wonder if sausage producers have any conscience at all.  Cars areanother offender.  Maybe I don’t get it because I’m not a man’s man.  I have been reprimanded on a number of occasions for having a bland, tired minivan as a penis extension.

For some reason I am just not impressed to see atruck parked on top of a plateau that is inaccessible by trucks.Actually, I am scared of heights so that one was doomed tofail.  As a young child I felt so gypped by toy commercials.They would throw in so many extra things to make a productseem extra cool.  It’s like Lucas hired kids with an incredibleability to move action figures.  I couldn’t manipulate myWookie with any success until I reached a certain age.Speaking of being young, let’s talk about the worst of all. Thecomputer generated talking, dancing, mouthy baby.  You’veseen them; they take a real baby and make it’s mouth movelike it’s talking with a grown up voice or they use a team ofcompu-babies and make them line dance.  I think it’s a suresign that society is sucking air at the well of culture when weare being ganged up on by two of the most manipulative andselfish forces in nature: big corporations and little babies.Jared’s wife may not actually be rolling over in her grave buther career sure is.

This Saltspring post has had 694 views