BATEMAN HAS ISSUES #21 – NEW CARS

BY: JOHN BATEMAN

I write an article for the Fishbowl, have 2 radio shows on CFSI, and have a last name that is as inconspicuous as a vision-solstice-healing circle being conducted at the Legion. Yet somehow here I find myself with an identity as tragically misplaced as the crutch ofa 3 legged cat. You probably aren’t wondering how this happened but since I have 300 to 400 more words to go I am going to tell you.I bought a new car, that’s what happened. You see, I used to have a minivan that’s blandness was only to be outdone by its age. Picture my grandfather napping…there it is. The interesting thing is that as bland and old as the van was it came to represent me on the road,and as you know, your road appearance is everything on Salt Spring. To many it is the only form of intercourse they go on this island, social or otherwise. You know what I’m talking about; the wave. You’re happily driving down the road hoping to avoid a cataclysmic collision with one of the many white delivery vehicles hell bent on disproving Einstein’s theory of relativity when you see a car in the distance. At first glance you see it is red and your brain quickly narrows it down to 6 people. As it gets closer you see it isa pickup, now we are down to four. Wait, it has a rack, that eliminates two. Finally, and just in the nick of time, you see a crack in the windshield. It is buddy who does that thing for that guy who cuts down trees…quick wave. My problem is that now I drive a red van and nobody waves anymore, so I have to go through the awkward process of connecting myself to the car. There are a few ways to do this: One is to start waving out your window well in advance, and as you get within eye shot start violently pointing at yourself. Although this method is effective, my psychiatrist, after my 3 session explanation of the situation, has warned me against it because of the dual implications of being self aggressive and egotistical simultaneously. The second solution, which is my personal favourite, is the ever so awkward face to face confrontation. It goes something like this:
You: Hey, I saw you driving yesterday.
Them: Oh really where?
You: On the road.
Them: Oh yah.
You: I have a new van soooo (make that clacking noise with your
tongue and wink the instant you point at them)
Them: Oh.
You: It’s red.
Them: I see
You: Well, ok, see you later mom.
Them: Bye Sarah.
You: It’s John
Them: Of course it is.
Happily it only takes between twenty and thirty such encounters to
hammer this point home. To completely avoid the situation, try
gluing a rubber chicken to the hood of your truck, or better still,
never let your old ride die. Keep it alive as if it was a dear family
pet. Speaking of which does anyone need a cat? I am being
completely serious.

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