BATEMAN HAS ISSUES #23 – GRAD 2010

Well I couldn’t think of anything else so I thought I may as well write a few words to the graduating class of 2010. You know; some nuggets of wisdom I have accumulated over the past 25 or so years since I graduated high school.  This might be a good time to mention that I never graduated from high school.

Right now 10% of you are surprised and 90% of you have just had a “eureka” moment.  Tragically my high school career got cut one math credit short. That’s ok because aside from my daily occupation I almost never use math. It should be noted that I do hold a BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts aka Bachelor of Fuck All) from the Nova Scotia College of Art and design but frankly a goat stuck in a tire could get a BFA from just about any art institution and still finish ahead of 98% of its class. That’s because goats are traditionally rooted in conceptualism but let’s not get off track here. Now, on with the wisdom:

Dear Graduates,
Congratulations on finally freeing yourselves of the best time of your lives.  Gone are the oppressive years of sleeping in, having your laundry done and not having to buy groceries for yourselves. Some of you will be fooled into thinking this is a time of liberation.Well I have news for you; it’s just a clever plot by us older people to get you younger people to do stuff for us. Indeed it will be your generation that will be changing the diapers of mine. I wish I could say I was speaking in metaphor but tragically I am not. You have been charged with the task of cleaning up the horrible mess of the previous generation.  Don’t get chippy about it though because our generation is in the same boat right now.  When I headed out into the big world I had no idea my class and I would have to deal with global warming, terrorism, economic catastrophe and Hannah Montana. Honestly who would have ever thought that the antichrist would be Billy Ray Cyrus? Some of you will head to an institution of higher education and that’s not a completely bad idea. Keep in mind however that you will spendthe majority of the first two years chasing the opposite sex, or the same sex, that’s up to you. Some of you will travel the world and opt for some real “life experience”. Keep in mind however that you will spend the majority of the first two years chasing the opposite sex or the same sex, that’s up to you. The remainder of you will choose to join the work force. You are the ones that will eventually take the rest of your class to the cleaners. Oh they may look down their noses at you but it’s doubtful you will care after delivering them a $95 an hour invoice in your quad cab on your way to sailing around the world in your 36 foot catamaran.  In closing I would like to wish you all good luck and leave you with this final but critical bit of advice:  I like my sponge baths to be hot, but not too hot.

This Saltspring post has had 581 views