BATEMAN HAS ISSUES #24

Understand dear reader how hard I tried to avoid writing this article. Believe that I laboured to think of anything else to write about. Small dogs, air travel, bear hunting and advanced concepts in gossip were some of the alternatives. However, an opportunity like this arises only once every four years so I have to strike while the iron’s hot.
So here I sit on the day before the World Cup and I am concerned not about the outcome rather the entire concept of soccer. I would ask those not fanatical about the game to wait here with me while the soccligious turn the page…..Ok, we can now begin. First things first, in North America it is called soccer. Here in North America, Football is a game that is primarily played with the hands. I would hope you respect that. I am assuming soccer is a game that is better viewed live because as far as I can tell all but 4 of the 22 players on the field are walking at any given time. Oh sure there is ecstatic jubilation when a player passes or tries to pass the ball to another player in front of the net. This jubilation is usually quelled however when the goal keeper runs out and grabs the ball with his hands that seem to be adorned with a pair of novelty foam hands he has borrowed from the crowd. He then proceeds to throw or kick the ball half way down the field while the players feverishly jog to get ball possession.
I would like to take a quick break to remind everyone that I know I am pissing people off right now.
I have to admit that I like the fact that soccer is one of the only televised sports that show the commercials up in a little screen placed in the corner of my tv. That is brilliant and I can’t wait for such a technology to reach hockey. Sometimes after roughly 15 of said commercials a player will actually score a goal. That’s all fine and dandy until we see the player’s disproportionate reaction to the feat of kicking a 8.65 inch ball into a net that is 24 feet long and 8 feet high. Since the average number of total goals in a soccer game is 1.36 I can understand the spectator’s reaction of cheering, clapping, slapping, pinching, punching and literally murdering the person next to them often in cold blood. While I can understand that reaction while sitting with family, I could never celebrate like that with a very select few of my friends. The crowd reaction makes sense. If I paid 1500 quid to see no goals and be urinated on at the same time I would get pretty fired up too. I mean give me one but not the other thank you very much. Believe it or not these are not the biggest issues I have with the game, no the biggest issue I have is with the way in which the inevitable tie is dealt with. If the game is tied after 375 minutes let’s settle it by incorporating a situation that almost never happens during the game. Let’s have this team sport settled by 2 individuals. Let’s set the ball up 12 yards from the goal and let a player try to kick it in the net and let’s not let the goalie move until the kicker does. Finally when a player fails to score or a goalie makes a miraculous save someone is crowned a winner. I guess the shootout method was incorporated as a means for survival. At least with a shoot out when the losing team touches down at the airport only one player will be murdered rather than the entire team.

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