GET SMART

Have you ever found yourself awake, in public, but not quite fully awake at all? Have you ever been standing at the counter of a coffee shop, hopelessly trying to count change through the fog of a seemingly lifeless brain while wondering why anybody would spike your toothpaste with Rohypnol? I found myself in just such a position the other day, but suddenly had a flash of clarity. Maybe nobody is playing a trick on us. Maybe our brains just suck.  If you think this could apply to you, read on.

If you, like many before you, have come to the conclusion that your brain is just a waste of synapses, there is only one thing to do; transplant. All you really need is a donor, willing or no, and perhaps a textbook on the subject, to conk out your chosen donor if they prove to be less than willing.

Some research needs to be done before you decide on a donor. There are some things to consider, for instance, taking an IQ cut would defeat the whole purpose of the transplant. It would be best to find somebody who is exceptionally motivated, and of equal or greater intellect. They would have to like all the same things you like, so that you don’t have to go buy new stuff. For men, they should have a penis of equal or lesser length, so the brain won’t develop an immediate esteem problem upon seeing its new one. The nakedness criterion shouldn’t affect women though, because you are all quite beautiful. Your donor shouldn’t be a petty criminal, but don’t rule out the idea of criminal mastermind. Lastly, it should have the same sexual preference you currently have, or your love life could get extremely complicated. The screening process should be taken very seriously. It will be the brain controlling your body after all.

You’ll need to study brain transplant extensively, so if you can’t get your hands on a cudgel in brain surgery textbook format, you may have to surf the web. Saltyfishbowl.com is a good start. It shouldn’t be too hard to find the appropriate resources somewhere out there. You can find pretty much anything on Youtube. Just yesterday I saw a video of Jessica Simpson trying to squeeze into a scuba suit.

Once you’ve found your donor, and have learned everything there is to know about brain transplant, there will only be one hurdle left. Somehow you have got to make your future brain study the transplant process as well, or else once you have your old brain out you won’t know how to put your new brain in. I suppose you could sew the eyes and mouth from the donor body onto your old brain, so it could guide your new brain through the second part of the surgery, but what if the new brain was unsure of something? I’m not willing to sew my mouth and ears onto my new brain so they can discuss matters. You know how brains can prattle on. Now that I’m thinking about it, your donor brain should have a crappy body too, or at least one less appealing than yours. You don’t want your new brain deciding it wants to keep its old body part way through the procedure, leaving you worse off than before.

Beyond all that, you shouldn’t have many more issues, beyond the moral ones. The problems associated with performing one’s own brain transplant are not insurmountable. We probably won’t even be the first to have attempted such a feat. There could already be
hundreds of people walking around with new improved brains, inwardly smiling because they know that somewhere there’s a stupid old brain with a mouth and eyes sewed on trying to find a new body to kick its old body’s ass for abandoning it, all while tasting its salty, lonely tears.

Good luck.

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